Until Then
by S Girlie
Summary: Sasuke can not take becoming a father and enlists for the army, only to be filled with regret of what he could have had Mpreg SasuNaru Yaoi Oneshot


What can I say? I was bored, I love Mpreg. I need to get back into my writing mood, but lately I have been feeling really demotivated. I think I may start writing on a regular basis in a little bit, once I get into it again or something.

I disclaim and all that crap

ON WITH THE FIC!

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I made a wish... that I would be able to see you again, even If just once, I would be more than content. Just to touch your skin or to be touched by your fine hands, to smile like I always did, I'd look into your eyes and feel as if I was one whole being. I know that day is far from me now, but I have hope that it will occur. All I can do is hope really, it will fuel everything else and soon, I will have enough determination within me to reach you, where ever you may be.

Today I went out to the market, It wasn't a very difficult task to pick up groceries, but for some reason I felt fairly tired. My body must be growing weary without you. Even Ino, the grocer, commented on my lack of enthusiasm. I just smiled, what else could I have done? It's been just a month since you decided to enlist in the army behind my back, and already, I'm a wreck... I honestly could care less about my surroundings, and I know that if you were here, you would not be too happy about the condition of our home.

I abandoned the groceries on the counter and sluggishly made my way to the bed, I simply collapsed of exhaustion. To think such a short trip could have worn me out so fast, especially when a few months prior, I used run around town on a daily basis, just to prove myself as your equal... That was before the incident and before you decided to leave me.

I don't exactly know why you were so scared, especially when I was so strong. I expected you to be prepared and ready for what lied ahead of us, but I guess I put too much weight on your shoulders, I should have known not to expect the world from you... I guess I was the reason you got up and left. The army must have been your escape route from the life I was forcing onto you...

I don't blame you for a thing... It really was my fault, I pushed you off the cliff and into something that you thought would take you away from reality. Whether or not your plan to evade responsibility will work, I am not sure... but I know that it will have a lasting scar on my heart. I love you Sasuke, perhaps more than I can even fathom with mere words, It's so hard going on knowing that I may never see you alive again, I don't know how exactly to go on with out you.. will I ever get past your absence?

Of coarse I will, I have to if I ever want to see you again. I need to become strong enough to stand on my two own feet. I need to learn to become independent, only then will I ever have the power to reach you. I also have to take better care of myself, whether or not you are here, I still have a massive responsibility to under take, and just because you decided to waltz right up and leave me in my time of desperation, is no excuse for me to just drop everything as if it doesn't matter...

Because it does matter, this is the end result of what we had, all the memories and love we had, the relationship we had built up, only to be destroyed by itself... Even if it is the reason you left me, I will not simply lose it. This may be the only thing that ties us two together now... Our child.

This life I will be bringing into the world, may be the one thing that keeps me going while you are gone. However long that may be I am not quite sure... for all I know you may not even come back alive, but I must not let that affect me for too long, whether or not you come back to me is out of my hands, and now I must consider my own lively hood as well as our unborn child... Perhaps when things have cleared up between us, you will come back to me and we will be the happy family I had always dreamed of... or may be not, maybe that day will never come... but I can't lose hope, no matter what the out come, I will remain here, with open arms, awaiting your return.

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It has been so long since that day when I could not longer bear reality, the day I decided to simply walk away. No matter how many times I replay it in my mind, I can never really come to terms with the fact that I, Uchiha Sasuke, am a horrible person. How could I have been so stupid? so careless? I had been with him for so long... and at the first sight of commitment, I turned away, as if it wasn't important.

He seemed to feel differently about it, he had hopes of starting a family, being with me for the rest of his life... I thought I had wanted the same things, until that fateful morning when I had received "the news." I just couldn't shake the over whelming fear that came over me, I didn't exactly know how to respond or even what to do. It all seemed so surreal... I was in shock. My mind was jumbled when I walked into that recruitment office, all I wanted to do was get away from the feelings of anxiety... I thought it was my only option.

I was so frightened of my circumstances, I didn't even have the balls to face him, to see the tears fill his eyes when he realized I would be leaving, possibly to my own grave. I was so cruel as to pack in the dead of night, leaving him a short note on the fridge. "I decided to join the army, see you when I come back" My mangled mind was nothing but selfish, I didn't even think of how things may have effected him.

I knew I must have hurt him, but it never really occurred to me as to what I had done. I simply thought of it as an absence, a short vacation from what I thought was a horrendous, mind altering situation. I never put much thought into it, until that day... Nine months after my enlistment when I thought to myself... I must be a father by now.

I began to wonder about the life that could have been my own, being something that I had never been. As my thoughts progressed, I began to think more and more of the child I had never known and the lover I had simply walked out on... I wondered about their overall health and the nature and sex of the new born baby. I had hoped Naruto would be careful and was sure not to hurt it, I had wondered what I would have done if I had stayed and helped... would it have changed things in this child life? Would I have made a difference?

Though out the war I had kept track of my child's approximate age and it's possible phases... I had imagined it to be a healthy child with my more dominant physical traits, with Naruto's personality, after all, how could a child take on my stoic nature if I had never been there for it? I had always wanted to write Naruto and ask him of the true nature of our baby, but pride would never allow me to touch a pen though out my service, I was far too ashamed of myself and what I had walked out on, especially when he had needed me the most... I had abandoned him and I knew that I would never be able to go on until I had made amends for my cowardice.

As the years went by, I found that they had never once left my mind, my child was now four and the war was now over. I now had to make my decision, to continue to live through my fearful nature or to confront my long postponed difficulties head on. I knew it would not be easy to make things up to Naruto and there would be a good chance that I would be completely shut down, but a part of me would not shake the fact that I was now free to see my 'family,' even if I was no longer welcome... I felt I needed to accept the life I had created for myself and embrace whatever came to me... I had waited too long to see Naruto and the child and I would face any punishment he had for me, I needed to atone for my great sin.

When I had reached my old home, where I had hoped Naruto would still remain, Something had struck me as odd... There was a sort of laughter coming from inside the house, it seemed to be filled with happiness, something I had not encountered for a long time, the door was wide open so I let myself in, it was my house after all... As I entered the kitchen, what I thought was the source of the laughter, I saw everything I had hoped for. Naruto was there smiling with a little boy, The little child took one look at me and looked back at Naruto for approval, which he gave with a silent nod. The boy then came running towards me, his arms were flailing about with a sort of excitement. I scooped him into my arms and held him tightly... Naruto then slowly walked towards me his smile still as bright from that day I left.

"I will always be here for you with open arms. I will never abandon you, never doubt you, even when you are filled with self doubt. I will never forget you, nor will I replace you in my heart."

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